The rules of flying::
1. Truly superior pilots are those who use their superior judgment to avoid those situations where they might have to use their superior skills.
2. Rule one: No matter what else happens, fly the airplane. Forget all that stuff about thrust and drag, lift and gravity; an airplane flies because of money.
3. It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.
4. An airplane will probably fly a little bit over gross weight but it sure won't fly without fuel.
5. Think ahead of your airplane. I'd rather be lucky than good.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. If you're ever faced with a forced landing at night, turn on the landing lights to see the landing area. If you don't like what you see, turn 'em back off.
8. A check ride ought to be like a skirt, short enough to be interesting but still long enough to cover everything.
9. Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
10. Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
11. Don't drop the aircraft in order to fly the microphone. An airplane flies because of a principle discovered by Bernoulli, not Marconi. Pilots are always found in the wreckage with their hand around the microphone.
12. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger; if you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
13. Hovering is for pilots who love to fly but have no place to go.
14. The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
15. Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first.
16. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great landing' is one after which you can use the airplane again.
17. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small propability of survival and vice versa.
18. IFR: I Follow Roads.
19. You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
20. I had a fighter pilot's breakfast - two aspirin, a cup of coffee and a puke.
21. Those who hoot with the owls by night, should not fly with the eagles by day.
22. A smooth touchdown in a simulator is as exciting as kissing your sister.
23. A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion.
24. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
25. Pilots believe in clean living. They never drink whiskey from a dirty glass.
26. The three most useless things to a pilot are: The altitude above you. Runway behind you. And a tenth of a second ago.
27. If God meant man to fly, he'd have given him more money.
28. What's the difference between God and pilots? God doesn't think he's a pilot.
29. Flying is not dangerous; crashing is what’s dangerous.
30. Flying is the perfect vocation for a man who wants to feel like a boy, but not for one who still is.
31. There are four ways to fly: the right way, the wrong way, the company way and the captain's way. Only one counts.
32. A good simulator check ride is like successful surgery on a cadaver.
33. Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fireplug what it thinks about dogs.
34. Trust your captain.... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.
35. An airplane may disappoint a good pilot, but it won't surprise him.
36. Any pilot who relies on a terminal forecast can be sold the Brooklyn Bridge. If he relies on winds-aloft reports he can be sold the Niagara Falls.
37. The friendliest flight attendants are those on the trip home.
38. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
39. Being an airline pilot would be great if you didn't have to go on all those trips.
40. Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.
41. The nicer an airplane looks, the better it flies.
42. Why did God invent women when airplanes were so much fun?
43. Remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous?
44. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
45. It's a good landing if you can still get the doors open.
46. Passengers prefer old captains and young flight attendants.
47. The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.
48. Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.
49. Any pilot who does not privately consider himself the best in the game is in the wrong game.
50. It's always a good idea to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.
51. If God had intended man to fly he would have given him enough money for a Bonanza (that's a type of airplane).
52. If an earthquake suddenly opened a fissure in a runway that caused an accident, the NTSB would find a way to blame it on pilot error.
53. Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.
54. A thunderstorm is never as bad on the inside as it appears on the outside. It's worse.
55. Son, I was flying airplanes for a living when you were still in liquid form.
56. It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.
57. A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.
58. A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.
59. Learning a little about flying is like leading a tiger by the tail -- the end does not justify his means.
60. The last thing every pilot does before leaving the aircraft after making a gear up landing is to put the gear selection lever in the 'down' position.
61. Remember, you're always a student in an airplane.
62. Keep looking around; there's always something you've missed.
63. Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
64. Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.
65. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
66. Gravity is not just a good idea. It’s the law. And it is not subject to appeal.
67. Helicopters can’t fly, they’re just so ugly the earth repels them.
68. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
69. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The tick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
70. If all you can see out of the window is ground that’s going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, thongs are not as they should be. And finally:
71: When in doubt, take Amtrak. They may crash more, but they don’t have to fall before they do!
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