THE FIFTEENTH CENTURY ( Borowitz-Murri) – In an effort to underscore his core beliefs leading up to this Tuesday night’s primary contests, former Sen. Rick Santorum made a campaign swing through the Seventeenth Century today.
At the first stop of his ambitious journey, Mr. Santorum restated his reason for seeking the White House: “I am running for President today because the position of Spanish Inquisitor is no longer available.”
The former Pennsylvania Senator served up red meat to his fifteenth-century supporters, telling them, “Since we all agree that contraception is a bad idea, it’s time to take a harder look at electricity and soap.”
Mr. Santorum, who said that in his first day in office he would repeal the Age of Enlightenment, stressed that he had home-schooled all seven of his children: “That means there are at least eight people in this country who don’t understand evolution.”
In a lighter moment, Sen. Santorum told his audience what he said was his favorite joke: “A Kenyan, a Muslim and a socialist walk into a bar. And then he makes everyone get an abortion.”
During an interview with the editorial board of the Flint Journal, Rick Stantorum stated how he admired Queen Isabella's demanded for heavy taxes from non-Christians who did not convert and remained in Spain. It is a policy he is considering during his administration.
Elsewhere on the campaign trail, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich scored points with this comment on education: “We should leave no child behind, only wives.”
Newt also supported Santorum's return to the fifteenth century by underscoring his belief that children should work for their education. "As I stated before, poor children - poor black children should not get a free ride - or lunch for that matter - when it comes to their education. Every child who can't afford to pay for their education or not home schooled must work a least 4 hours a day, either at their school or at one of the rich peoples homes as janitors and gardeners. Back in Queen Isabella's time, children were expected to work and support the family. We have far too long allowed our children to be children and shield them from developing a strong work ethic."
"As you know I apposed the governments bail out of the auto industry that my father help build. My father help create the greatest car company in the world, American Motors Corporation, my friends. What I wrote in the Detroit Daily News is that GM and Chrysler should go through a structured bankruptcy. By doing this the companies would be allowed to void the UAW contracts and replace the very costly union labor with lower cost child labor. With the lower cost of child labor, Bain Capital, that I use to run, would have provided the funds to save at least GM, I don't know about Chrysler, that company grabbed the good cars my dad built when American Motors went bankrupt. Great cars like the Jeep and the Eagle. Obama didn't help American Motors avoid bankruptcy. Why did he choose to help GM and Chrysler, but not AMC? Because of crony capitalism, my friends. We can't trust a president that give money to GM and Chrysler and allows American Motors to fail. That's just not right."
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